Monday, January 23, 2006

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

As you study for exams, remember its not the quantity it's the quantity. And remember there is no substitute for pure unadulterated bullshit.

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Not By Andrew

Hey, this is Matt.

I just wanted to tell you all that I am stoopid.

This is not Andrew on Matt's blog.

Or is it?

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The saga of a lost music collection

So I’m back at school again.

Woo hoo.

It’s kind of clich├ęd to say it, but it’s really true that when I’m at home I want to be at school, but as soon as I get here I want to be back home. It’s an old truth, but it has practical significance for me right now. I am speaking, of course, of the fact that half of my music collection is now safely nestled on my dad’s hard drive, yet strangely absent from my own computer.

The story of this sad tale is as follows: My little brother’s iPod had been wiped one way or another (a.k.a. human error [a.k.a. human stupidity]), and I—being the benevolent older brother that I am—allowed him to take all the music he wanted from my computer. He dragged it to a folder on the desktop, and we transferred it to the other hard drive. Unfortunately, a backup was not made and by a strange series of occurances (a.k.a. human error [a.k.a. my own stupidity]) the folder was deleted.

Translation: it’s dead, Jim. Everything’s gone: Ben Folds, The Postal Service, Sufjan Stevens, and even The Arcade Fire. I’m not sure how I’ll live without The Arcade Fire.

Well, all is not lost. I do have about half of my music left, mostly the obscure stuff that Ian doesn’t like, as well as a good selection of Jazz and almost the complete discography of Radiohead.

I will survive (which reminds me…I need some cake).

EDIT: It just occurred to me that the new year went completely by me without me making a post about the year. I've been cataloguing movies/everything into an obligatory top ten, although it's only in my head at this point. Perhaps if you're lucky enough (and I'm feeling un-lazy enough) you'll be treated to my all-encompassing reflections of 2005 next time on: AGNAX.